Another night of restlessness once again thinking about my birth experience. When will these thoughts ever go away? Is it even possible to separate the good memories from the bad.
A few moments that I treasure during this experience are laced in between these horrible events.
- The moment with a midwife on my first day of labor. She was as gentle as possible when checking my cervix for dilation.
- The moment my water broke and the mucous plug ejected made me smile. It was finally happening.
- The moment I held her for the first time. She was covered in blood. I kissed her forehead until they took her to be cleaned off and measured.
My induction was a 2 day event and I have too few treasured moments. I’d rather forget the rest. Why can’t they just disappear? I was going to try to write them out, but it’s just too hard. Why can’t I cry tears of joy without it turning into me holding my head whispering “Stop it. Just stop” to myself, crying myself to sleep? When will the nightmares and flashbacks end?
I just want to think of the birth of my child without being bombarded with these feelings of despair. Feeling like you’ve already died and everything that’s happening/experiencing is just a lie isn’t a life I want to continue “living.” I’m still having these dis-associative episodes.
I’m trying to read about “Postpartum Post Traumatic Stress Disorder” again. I didn’t even know it was a thing until recently, but even before then, I felt extremely traumatized by everything that happened. The first time and only time I heard/read of it was on a MSN blog. I thought it would be about something totally different. If I find it, I’ll link.
These are some links I found about Postpartum Post Traumatic Stress Disorder:
I hope this helps someone. As cliche as it sounds, you are not alone. You really aren’t.
It’s also easy for outsiders to tell you to get therapy. It’s not easy for me to trust any old healthcare professional. (Not to mention, I have social anxiety…) That was before any of this happened. Now it’s ten-fold. I barely want to talk about these things with my own mom or even post about it to strangers who may or may not get it, but I’m supposed to pick some random therapist to have a one-on-one conversation/listen/etc and trust that they won’t treat me like those doctors? Yep. That’ll work just fine.